Ranting and Raving until they save me

12:00AM - never in my life....

Lindsay:"omg this sandwich has so much grease on it"... Emily"shut up youre not going to make me feel guilty about eating" L:"what are you talking about? I dont make you feel guilty about eating"
How the fuck does she think that she makes me feel, and how does she know how she makes me feel. Living with a girl with serious body image problems, who just cant stop talking about how she is going to get her nose "fixed" over winter break, and how she is spending, $2,000 on that and how thats such a great financial drain for her... is just really hard. This week I wrote a check, and when I say I it means it was a check with my name on it, from my checking account, I wrote a check to Montclair State University in the amount of $8,142.43 for the Spring 2006 semester. I have .87 in my savings account... and I dont want to hear about how your nose job is going to cost so much and blah blah, you are 21, you dont need a nose job right now.

I need to be home. I need to get away where normal people are. Where I'm not constantly hearing about hoe much everything costs or how bad what I am eating is bad for me. Its like psycological abuse... that just doesnt go away.

Me, myslef and I is all I got...

Current mood: crazy

9:57PM - roomates...

I'm not sure what it is about spending a weekend with chris and not in my apartment that makes everything better. One of my roomates, who really I do like, has started to just irritate me for no reason, well not that I'm back with a clear head I get it. Not only is everything about her in every sense of the word, she creates problems. Like her boyfriend made her breakfast in bed, fine. But she says, well i just dont understand it? Like why is he being so nice? She is freaking complaining about things that are not real problems, like what to call his parents, since his family introduces her as his finace but he hasnt actually propsed yet, and oh yeah, they are not married. NOT a real problem. I get so sick of it. Its like poor baby your life is so hard. Your relationship is perfect and ... oh wait NOTHING shut the fuck up.

11:56PM

I love being at MSU I really do. But there are things that I hate about my apartment. Alyson always looking over my shoulder, staring at me, listening to my phone conversations, looking at and then commenting on what is on my computer, laughing at things that should not be laughed at. Lindsay and Dave having "fights" in baby talk about what dog to get, what their wedding will look like, what ring to get Lindsay, fighting over money. Alyson getting packages from Joe like every single week, Alyson being on the phone... ALL of the time with Joe.

Part of me says the things that are annoying me about Lindsay, who I really do love, are just because they are couple-y things to do. Like I wish so much that Chris and I could go out to dinner or any random night or sleep over every single night. Lindsay drives Dave to work and they just spend so much time together. I know thats one of the things that is affecting me. I miss Chris so much. To see Dave buying Lindsay roses and taking her out to dinner, and just generally doting on her every move is hard because I am without all of those possibilites. I miss just spending time with Chris, just being able to have bad cafeteria food with him or watch a movie, just be together. Maybe thats why things arent perfect with us right now. I miss the ability to just drive 2 minuets and be at his house. I'm so happy that this summer things were back to normal. Like after being at school for a year didnt drastically change our relationship. Why is distance so hard? Is it because you cant look at someone and tell how they are feeling? Because you cant comfort someone with just your words and being able to hold their hand would be better? too much to think about.

Current mood: bitchy

11:14AM - Closure.....

Bit and pieces of Val being a really good friend and telling me to listen to myself.....
Oh, and I have decided to go to MSU
( It's the journey, not the destination... )

Current mood: okay

11:21PM - MSU/TCNJ the saga continues....

TCNJ would be hard. MSU maybe wouldnt be as hard. TCNJ is close to home, is this a good or bad thing? I wuld get to see my family more, but at the same time I want to be "at school" and not "at home". TCNJ is prettier then MSU. MSU has people that I think I could relate to better... but maybe not. TCNJ seemed like a living breathing J. Crew catalog... MSU seemed pretty diverse. Where do I fit into that? TCNJ is more expensive... Godmother Lorraine is at MSU, she said she would be my grandma :) that I could live with her. Montclair, the acutal town seems really nice, but at TCNJ I have Philly, but at MSU I'm 10 min away from NYC(and Dave, EJ, and John). TCNJ is close to everyone when they are "home". I hate my life. These are both good schools. why cant I make a decision?!
Chris factors into this as much as I dont want him to. He says it would be easy to be at TCNJ and that no matter where I go its closer then DE, and that we would see each other about the same amount of time, a couple weekends. So it shouldnt matter...none of this should matter. I dont want to go to MSU and think its too ghetto, and at the same time I dont want to go to TCNJ and think its too preppy.... but isnt college supposed to be preppy? isnt that where this all started... prep school. *rolls eyes* this shouldnt be this hard. but right now, I'm at a college where I just dont fit. but is that indicative of me fitting someplace else. I hate labels I really do. I would be comfortable either place... right?
So why is this so hard. Do I not know who I am? I'm so comfortable with myself though... I can say that. I'm okay with who I am and all of my actions. I know i'm a perfectionist and just getting a B is not okay with me, unless its in math. I want to success and I'm soooo afraid that when I go to a "real" colleg I'm going to fail. and when I fail I'm afraid my parents arent going to pay for my schooling, and then I'm going to go work at Walmart, but I cant do that because the economy is terrible and they arent hiring.

Current mood: indifferent

8:56PM

oh, i'm not going to rutgers. thats part of a decision right?

8:45PM - tcnj

so... I've been accepted to TCNJ. Now i'm even more confused. help. please. I'm blowing off the cheerleading banquet to go to Ewing and visit the weekend of the 15th. I hate myself for blowing off the banquet, but I did quit. I hope I can get a tour on a saturday, and I hope everyone who knows anyone at TCNJ will give them my sn so that they can help me make a decision... oh yeah... BY MAY FUCKING FIRST. I'm going nucking futs over here.....

11:58AM - where the fuck do I want to go???

I got into Montclair State University a few weeks ago, and last night I found out that I got into Rutgers as well.(Camden, Livingston and Douglass said they dont have my HS grades, called them today, they are now processing my app). So I was happy and I called my mom to tell her, and its like one conversation with her changed my feelings and made me upset and made me doubt the way I feel about everything. She was asking what order I think the schools are in, like which one is my top choice, and I told her that I didnt know, and that I hadnt really researched everyones credit system, and that it was hard from me to find info on TCNJ's and RU's websites, but at MSU I got all the info I was looking for. So then she tells me that she doesnt think that RU is as good of a school. And I dont know why but she like starts on this tangent and I start crying, she says that its in a bad city, and that its a big university.

Rutgers is a public ivy. That means its good enough to be an ivy league school, but its not because then it couldnt be a state school. THAT MEANS IT A GOOD SCHOOL. TCNJ and MSU arent... so why does she think that they are better? but she just really got to me. I know that she was trying to be supportive, but she just made me like question how I feel about everything. I hate that. I dont even know how I feel about anything anymore.

All of the schools that I applied to are completely accredited, and recognized for thier business programs. I would be lucky to go to any of them, right? So i should just stop stressing out.

But I dont want to make the wrong dicison. The next school that I got to I want to really want to go to. Maybe it would just be easier if I waited until Finals were over and I was home, so that I can go visit these schools, and really do a side by side comparison. I dont know why I feel like I need approval from my mom. Yes shes my mom, and it just seems to be so much more then that.

Current mood: I have no idea whats goin on

8:20PM - ever have....

Ever have one of those moments where you just realize, I've outgrown all of this. None of what these people are talking about is important to me anymore. As indecisive as I am I can make important decisions. Where am I going to school next year... I dont know yet, but I know its going to be one of three schools. I'm not a drama queen. I dont make everything a big deal. I dont make up names for all of the basketball players. I dont say inside jokes in front of people who wont get them. I dont exclude people. I dont go boy watching (at Wesley). I dont promote my problems over someone elses. I'm not constantly on the phone with my friends who are pregnant, dropped out of school, failed at life.
I need new people. I need a new setting. I need to get out of here.

Current mood: working

1:10PM - what should I do?

Fire drill this morning at 3:30... we had another one yesterday too... these people are stupid. I feel like I've contracted ADD since I've moved to the third floor, these girls are soo loud, and just scream for no reason at all. I dont get it.
This morning I went to brunch, there wasnt much food, but whatever. I sat by myself... because hardly anyone was there. But some of the cheerleaders were there. and it physically made me sick to see them. They parade around in thier pajamas telling everyone how amazing last night was and thats why they are so dishevled. Can I really spend another 3 months with these girls?
Coach said since i'm definately not coming back in the fall I have the option to not practice in the spring if I dont want to. Part of me does want to. I'll be ready for tryouts at other schools, I'll be more in shape, I wont just sit on my butt and do nothing. I could be bored to tears because there is nothing to do at this school. But should I really spend more time then I have to with girls who make me want to throw up?

1:48PM - getting better....

 Things have been busy since I started all of my transfer apps. TCNJ, Montclair or Rutgers will hopefully be accepting me in the coming months. I'm not too hopefull about TCNJ because I cant take standardized tests... meh, whatever. I'm too poor to go to this school anymore.

Cheer practice last night was interesting. We all had to run laps because we forgot to wear our tshirts... which is crap bc we havent done it since competition and he didnt remind us and this is the first time we've had to run laps. So I think we ended up running like a mile and 1/8. But we did make some progress. We did a post to chair, the all girl version of a toss to chair, well, I did a chair, and so did Stef, but there were some girls, who think they are better then me, because they wear more makeup and get drunk, that could not get it. Hahaha I'm stronger then you!

  this is a picture of a chair that I got offline! I would be the bottom person, and we had one other person (post)  help the flyer actually get up, but then they let go! What now?

Current mood: happy

11:54PM - pretty good weekend...

So Chris came on Friday to visit with me and help me move into 305, yep same room, just 2 floors up. And it didnt take as long as I thought it would to move all of my stuff... I dont actually have that much stuff it turns out. With all of my stuff gone the room was still 3/4 full of stuff, that wasnt mine. So we were done pretty early, we went to Hardees to eat, because I'm poor, and then Target to get some room stuff that I now needed. I spent $35 between Hardees and Target, I could not believe it. Chris spent the night on friday, and today we basically did nothing until my basketball games, the boys won, a miracle, thats twice in a row for them. Coach did something scary and made only the people who had a 2.25 or above cheer for part of the second half of the girls games, to prove a point. It was me and 3 other girls. Thats just crazy. I felt totally naked with only like 1 girl next to me. After the games, I "made" Chris dinner from the cafe, I made burgers into cheese burgers and made sandwiches. But we ate in the room, and then snuggled for a little and then he left. It was soo nice to see him for even just that little bit. I saw my new roomate for like 5 minuets tonight, which was nice and she seems really sweet. I think this is not going to give me any problems. Well of to try out the third floor showers! Wish me luck!

Current mood: better... a little

2:14PM

Only a few more weeks of putting my happiness on hold, culminating in going home and actually being myself. I miss that. Here I am that girl who does nothing but sit in her room. Am I going crazy?

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Romantic Kiss
Lying in bed after making love and just doing whatever.

Current mood: blah

10:44AM - musing of Hopewell inspire...

I finally returned on Tuesday night. I was so tired. My bed felt so good. I went out to the Princetonian with Chris and Dough and his girlfriend Alia. I missed Chris so much. and it doesnt even feel like I saw him. We spent so much time at the diner that, well he didnt have any time to spend with me... not even a little bit of snuggling... just a fleting kiss. wow, talk about priorities. I'm not going to see him until Christmas.
Dana and EJ and I went out to lunch on Wednesday to Chevey's. Where the host came over to our table well after we had started our meals and asked me if I worked at Hopewell Video... what? It was great, being able to talk to the girls. Talking online, meh whatever, but actually being there and seeing Danas face as she totally freaked out about everything going on around her. haha.
Thanksgiving meh. Does anyone acutally want to know about that? I ate food, so what?
Black friday was Joe, Kris and I going shopping at Oxford Valley. I didnt buy anything, finally have been to a Five Below. Kris seems alot better, I'm really glad. She didnt seem well when I saw her at Homecoming. she pysically looks well, and seems stable. I think that being in college and not being so dependent has helped her alot. It became so obvious that I really do miss everyone sooo much.
Saturday, among other things was a Joe party. Valerie and Josh... finally got to see them and have a conversation. Something strange did happen while we were at the party. Miming oneself being hung in front of me always makes me think hey why do I care wether people I graduated with hate me or not? after the party kinda fell apart Dana, EJ and I went to Starbucks where we also got kicked out. I miss my girls... I miss everyone. Hopefully winter break will be similar, more getting together, more opportunities....

Current mood: indescribable

2:26PM

I miss everyone from home. I miss Chris alot. I'm tired of hearing about peoples sex lives. I'm tired of gossip. I just want to feel safe. I want to feel successful.
WC Cheerleaders are going to be appearing at a Philadelphia '76ers game, email me for tickets its only $15 to go.
This is just funny....

Current mood: tired

10:44AM - venting....

I am really happy that I made the squad, but I guess it didnt think about how involved I would be. I feel like all i'm doing is studying, cheering and watching what I eat. its consuming all of my time. I found out that over winter break we are going to have practice. Well I'm fine with that because we have a competition in January, but its going to be 3 days a week. So basically my already short winter break is now going to be slashed. It looks like I'll be home for long weekends, and then be at school Tues, Wed, Thurs, and then be home and repeat cycle. When am I going to see my family? on the weekends? well at least all of the holidaies, Christmas, New Years are on weekends. Chris also said that he wants to go visit Lowell in Cali, but because his school actually believes in giving their students long breaks, he is going to be sunning himself while I am in class.
I still feel like I havent found people here who I click with. There are people here who know my name, and who will talk to me. But I havent found anyone who really clicks with me besides Joxi, and now she might be transfering. I dont get how everyone all of the sudden wants to transfer. Sean, because his grades arent good, Joe because his grades arent good, Joxi because her mom thinks she depressed and under too much stress, and I wouldnt be surprised if every other person I like or call my friend wanted to transfer too. grrr. I feel like giving up.

Current mood: defeated

12:29PM

So, I finally have my computer back, yea for me being connected to the outside world once again.
I'm still sick, but I'm finally on anibiotics so hopefully my body will kick this thing. Tomorrow Wesley is playing Salsbury, and Coach said that he put my name on this list for the bus so I'm going!! (not cheering but going)I finally feel like part of the team, well at least as far as routine inclusion is concerned.
I'm homesick. I really miss everyone. I especially miss Chris. It feels like forever since the last time I saw him. Hopefully he is coming down next weekend for Families Day.

Current mood: blah

4:36PM - short and to the point!

I have no computer... surprise! so call me because I wont be able to use my computer for about a week!! and I AM A WESLEY COLLEGE CHEERLEADER!!!

I retried out on Thursday and I made the squad! It looks like the first game I'll cheer at will be Nov. 6th for Families Day!

Current mood: cheerful

4:13PM - Last night...

Friday night... wow. Joxi wasnt feeling well all day but she was fine until after dinner when she literally doubled over in pain. She couldnt move. I drove her car and Ashley hopped in and we went to Kent General hosipitol. (My second visit there.) We checked her in at 7:20, she didnt get a room until 10:30, and a doctor didnt see her until 11:30. Then there were all sorts of tests that had to be run, pelvic exam, ultra sound, Cat scan...... Around 8:30 Joe Schmo showed up with a pizza and to make Joxi feel better. He was such a good friend to her. We were all sitting around her and trying to comfort her. The pain came in waves, one minuet she would be fine, the next she was doubled over and shaking and squeezing my hand. Joe and Ashley were tired the whole night, and they left around 5am, Joxanna didnt get discharged until 6:30am. I was awake and by her side the whole time, I think by the time I had driven her back home and collapsed in my bed it was like 6:45. I had been up for 22 hours straight. I considered pulling an all nighter but the Homecoming game was today and I didnt want to be drained. In the end Joxi didnt really get diagnosed with anything. I slept for about 5 hours but I wanted to get up to go to the Homecoming game! We won 55 to 7! GO WESLEY! It was kinda hard watching the squad do their thing. I am seriously considering taking tubmling over the summer to prepare me for tryouts, I guess once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader.
Tonight is up in the air. I wanted to go to the Homecoming dance but I've been sick for the past few days, I have no voice and I'm coughing all the time.... maybe I'll find a chill party, that would be much better...

Current mood: sick

8:32AM

The Scene: Wesley college cafeteria, near the coffee station, close to the large space for tables.
Players: Emily: sweet spunky ex-cheerleader who needs a hot beverage to sooth her throat. Ox: a sophmore football player, very funny, outspoken, aquainted with Emily and her roomate. Big Alan: calls Emily "Hopewell" and is aquianted with her.
Big Alan: HOPEWELL
Emily: Hey Big Alan, oh hi Ox
Ox: hello
Emily: I like your braids
Ox: I like your butt!
(Emilys jaw drops as she congradulates herslef on purchasing the right pair of jeans this weekend.)
End Scene

Current mood: hot